(because someone has to write it out in words eventually.)
it's silly.
we will brush past each other carelessly.
(not really. we had secretly calculated each step in our heads.)
we force our heads up
and our feet to shuffle haphazardly forward.
when really, we just want to turn back.
we don't let ourselves turn back.
you mustn't see that i still bother.
and i mustn't see that you can still read me like a
fictional mess of a book.
we blend into the faceless mass of friends and good company.
throw a laughter around to show that i am happy as heyday without you.
gather closely with your friends to show that you don't quite need me.
we should win oscars for the shit we act up.
very, very oblivious.
(but when i'm actually acutely aware of every syllabus of your
casual laughter; and you, mine.)
and when you step out and walk away
to continue with some other segment of your life, the place feels just a little quieter.
emptier, but i wouldn't admit so,
not in this lifetime.
it's all dreadfully silly,
why we wear these sticky masks.
i would take mine out but then i'm afraid you
will judge the girl underneath two times over.
i don't hate you.
i just don't love you like i did before.
that was,
i-love-you-because-you-understood-me-in-a-way-that-scared-me-even.
the trick, is replacement.
(drowning yourself in work is total bullshit.)
by the way, slap me silly if i ever complain about life again.
life is going in all the wrong ways, as usual. but i am unbelievably happy.
must stop smiling like an idiot.
thanks for everything,
love you just a bit more than chalky pink crayons.
but they mustn't know this.